All Appliances Great and Small

Morning comes early at the base of the mountain at Dr. Rob’s Lake Joybehere Appliance Clinic.  The pastoral image of a good doctor tending to his morning chores before attending to his patients floats fleeting through Dr. Rob’s mind, but nothing is ever what it seems and Dr. Rob is all too aware of this.  Rabbits run through the yard as he heads out to feed the chickens, a common enough task, but there is nothing much common in Dr. Rob’s life, like the lack of a lake at Lake Joybehere, for starters. 

Humming his monotone drone deep in his chest, he shoos the rabbits out of his way as he meanders back to the office to meet with Nurse Watchit, wondering if she met the right side of the bed this morning.  He walks into the office and upon hearing her usual morning bluster, he sighs with relief.  So far, nothing problematic. 

“Crazy answering machines!  Why call yourselves answering machines, I ask you?  I call you, you don’t answer, and then you call me back and tell me I called you.  I’ll tell you what I called you, you dumb piece of…” rants Nurse Watchit. 

“So, what’s on the schedule today, Nurse Watchit?” asks Dr. Rob. 

“General Electric just called with his knickers in a knot.  He’s saying his dishwasher has been constipated for about a month.  He said he gave it the old army try and administered a Drano enema, but it’s still all backed up.  So I said to him, Oh really? A Drano enema?  Would you do that to your pipes?  Do you know that in actuality you are doing that to your pipes??  Do you think your dishwasher isn’t sharing the Drano with you every time you eat off anything that comes out of that dishwasher?  Excuse me sir, please explain your title of General?  You got that how?  I swear, he has an IQ of Sub Zero!” 

Dr. Rob’s moustache twitched. 

“So, he’s not an emergency.  He’s been ingesting Drano for a month.  He can go a little longer.  Thinning the herd is what I think.  We got poor Ken More with a dryer problem.  You remember Ken; he’s been mourning the loss of his beloved Roe Buck for years now.  Ken’s dryer has been having chills for the last week or so.   And the Gibson twins are both complaining about their racks.  I’m sure you’ll want to take a look at that.” 

“Let’s get a move on” said Dr. Rob.  “Sounds like there’s a few that need us right away.” 

Dr. Rob and Nurse Watchit load up the truck with the suction machines, spare organs, sutures, thermometers, stretchers, surgical instruments and duct tape needed for the day’s house calls.  Nurse Watchit climbs behind the wheel and down the highway they fly.  They arrive at Ken More’s just as the dryer is gasping its last.  Dr. Rob hooks it up to the meter and verifies that the dryer has indeed flat lined.   

“I don’t think I can take another loss,” cries Ken.  “I’ve kept it on a clean ventilator just like you told me, but I can’t keep it warm.” 

“Now Ken, don’t worry.  I’ve got the part you need right here with me.  A quick thermal fuse transplant and your dryer will be as good as new,” assures Dr. Rob.  He drones his guttural hum while Nurse Watchit swaps out surgical instrument with him with precision timing.  This is the best part of the day for Nurse Watchit, who loves being a step ahead. 

“Feels good to save one now and then, doesn’t it, Nurse Watchit?” asks Dr. Rob.  “Where to now?” 

“Old Mr. Kelvin A. Tor; his washer is incontinent.  I don’t know what he expects, that machine has got to be as old as the hills.  I don’t think there’s anything more to be done.”   

They dash over the Mr. Kelvin A. Tor’s ramshackle house.  The oldest dog in the world meets them at the door with a mouthful of ancient dirty underwear in his mouth.  Mr. Tor shuffles out of the way as Dr. Rob makes his way to the patient.   

“Well, Kelvin, we can put it on life support this one last time, but I really don’t know how much longer we’ve got,” says Dr. Rob. 

“Ain’t none of us know how much time we got,” replies Kelvin.  “Me and that old machine came into this world at the same time.  Let’s jest hope we go out at the same time.  I’m just as leaky and that ol’ boy’s kept my boxers clean this far.” 

“Oh really,” thinks Nurse Watchit, as she clamps a surgical mask on her face to keep from swooning from the stench of urine – dog, man, and washer. 

“Our next call has symptoms that are near and dear to me,” says Nurse Watchit.  “Jenn Aire called and her refrigerator is having hot flashes.  I’d like to see you try and cure that!” 

When Jenn Aire answered the door it was obvious she had been weeping.  “I don’t know what the matter is,” she sobbed.  “Sometimes it’s freezing and then without warning it’s just so hot I stand there and wave the doors open and close to try and cool it off.” 

“Been there, done that,” thought Nurse Watchit. 

“It’s probably just a cold control problem,” said Dr. Rob.  “We can try to replace it and see if that helps with the fluctuation problem.” 

“Damn straight it’s a cold control problem!  You’re going to TRY to replace it??  SEE if it helps??  What kind of quack ARE you!” screeched Jenn.  

Nurse Watchit started feeling warm. 

Dr. Rob’s moustache trembled. 

“Oh, forgive me,” sniffed Jenn.  “Of course you can fix it.  I’ve only ever heard the best about you, Dr. Rob.  It’s just that sometimes, oh, I don’t know, I just feel, well, I can’t explain it, I…” 

Jenn got busy cleaning up the eggs that smashed to the floor while she was flinging the refrigerator door open and shut during her tirade.  The Lake Joybehere team performed the procedure quickly and moved on. 

“Our last call is at your favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurant,” said Nurse Watchit. 

“Oh, really?” replied Dr. Rob, moustache quivering in anticipation of a scone to go with his coffee.  “What seems to be the problem there?” 

"Magic Chef called and said his burners aren’t lighting anymore. " 

“His burners aren’t lighting? Why did you keep this call to the end of day?  This should have been attended to first thing!  What if there are no scones to be had!  Oh dear!  We must rush right over!” said the alarmed Dr. Rob. 

Fortunately, Dr. Rob most always has spare burners.  The parts were replaced and he happily wiped his moustache of scone crumbs as they headed back to the clinic. 

“This was a successful day,” said Dr. Rob cheerfully as Nurse Watchit maneuvered them wearily through traffic.   

“Well my day isn’t over yet,” complained Nurse Watchit.  “I still have to unload the truck, clean the equipment, pay the bills, enter the invoices, schedule appointments for tomorrow, and not to mention my all-time favorite part – listen to the phone messages.” 

“Don’t fret, Nurse Watchit.  You are most competent and I have complete confidence in your abilities.  You’ll get it all done, you’ll see,” assured Dr. Rob. 

As the sun drifted lazily down the mountain, Dr. Rob closed up the chicken coop and counted the new rabbits at the clinic.  He meandered back to the office in time to hear Nurse Watchit. 

“How can these fools not understand how to feed a coin op slot? Keeps swallowing her quarters the wrong way!  She’s all jammed up and choking again.  No wonder they call her the Speed Queen.”